Going Rogue

A few days ago, I snapped had a moment of clarity. One that may hopefully alter my destiny forever. FOREVER!

Let me set the scene...

I brought the girls to the neighborhood pool to work on their newfound swimming skills. While there, wearing my control top swimsuit and long-sleeve swimming shirt, slathered in SPF...I felt out of place. So out of place. There were these lithe bikini-ed moms strutting around. My confidence plummeted.

Over the next 24 hours, I started to really think about myself, those feelings of insecurity. I've been dabbling with meal replacement shakes, new workouts (that eventually injured me), control top contraptions, and despite all of that, my pants were tight. I was feeling bad. But, I also didn't feel fat. Sure, fluffy, but I'm really strong. And, I'm really active. I'm rarely sick. I sleep well. What am I doing? Why am I feeling like I need to change? And let's be honest, I've seen my genetic pool, to my family who is reading this, let's be honest, we aren't a bunch of long limbed lithe women strutting around. We've got some cushion, and guess what, a little cush when you get a hug feels better than bone. Zombie apocalypse? I've got some reserves! Booya!

I realized, most of my life, I've lived as a chameleon. Desperately trying to blend into my surroundings, not wanting to stick out. Most of the time, that hasn't made me uncomfortable, but recently, I'm trying to fit into a surrounding I don't really like. I don't want to live in workout wear 24/7, drink kale smoothies, carry a designer purse, sign my kid up for 85 camps, freak out about GMOs/organic/free range/grass fed/pasture raised cheesey poofs. And the big one, why am I so stressed out about sunscreen?? Sure, it may be horrible for us, but let's face it, spray-on sunscreen is the bomb.

It really rattled my brain in a very short time.

So, this is me waving my 'F-it' flag. I'm going rogue. I'm not going to eat quinoa anymore - it's gross. Kale is also disgusting - yes, I've made kale chips, and smoothies and seasoned it. I'm not going to feel guilty when we have processed food. I'm going to use the spray sunscreen I've banished to the back of the shelf. I'm going resume dying my hair nearly black, because I love it, and I'm not meant to be a blond. I'm going to wear a bikini if I want to, even if I don't have a 'bikini bod'. I'm going to continue on my quest to have the whitest skin in Texas.

I even went shopping and bought bigger shorts. I ignored the double digit number on the tag and tried them on and they felt so nice, and so loose. Yes, I could have fit in the smaller size, but why am I cramming myself into pants because of a tag number that nobody sees.

This is me. Take it or leave it. But honestly, if you're going to leave it because I've decided not to be a lemming, then I don't need you. I'm going to practice yoga and moderation - because I like those. I'm going to up my style game - because I want to be me. I feel like I've reached this enlightenment a lot younger than most, I wonder if the Red Hat Society accepts 36 year olds. And yes, I'm 36...not 29. Thirty-six, and I'm thankful for every single day I've lived past 29 and I'm going to honor those day/years by acknowledging them.

I'm out. If you need me, I'll be in the cloud of spray sunscreen.