While We Wait...

It's business as usual in the Gutt household. I've been cleaning up a storm today. Ella continues to get better, but still has coughing fits and a runny nose. But, it's a huge improvement over the beginning of our week.

I'm feeling housebound. Most of my typical weekly outings were canceled due to illness and caucuses. I don't really have any errands to do that are pressing and the continuing snowfall isn't helping my efforts to escape.

Today I've scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom, rearranged our bedroom, flipped the mattress and have done laundry. In between feeding Ella, playing with Ella, reading to Ella and rocking Ella to sleep for nap. She's been extra needy/cuddly. Usually she's neither. I'm sure part of it is her illness, but I think she senses the impending change. She's mad at me and impatient with me, but at the same time, really wants me to cuddle her - even though she's mad. She'll head butt me, fall into a pile of tears and then hug me. She's struggling with her lack of communication skills not meshing with the big ideas she has in her head. She's frustrated with her little body as she tries to figure out new ways to move it. Most of it ending poorly when a lack of coordination gets the best of her and she trips herself. But, she keeps trying. I think it must be rough to be on the early side of two years old.
I'm feeling the guilt everyone talks about. Dethroning the first child. The one who's been your world for the last few years. Showered with love and attention. Wondering if I can love them both the same. Is there room in my heart. I know the answer is yes. I know your heart just grows. I'm trying to savor this extra cuddle time. It's not in typical Ella style to just cuddle with me so we both fumble a little trying to get comfy. But, it's always worth it. Even though the kisses I get lately are a little more gooey than usual. She'll always be my baby. Never replaced. We're just throwing some more love into the mix.

That said, we're very excited to meet the newest addition, Lillian. The anticipation of which day she'll pick for her birthday is quite the savory mystery. Every twinge makes me think...hmmm..is this something? Should I take notice? People are on call, waiting for things to happen. It makes me nervous to call or text anyone for fear that they'll get that jump in their heart thinking something is happening, when it's really just me...reaching out to a civilization that seems to be passing me by. Waiting, cleaning, hoping, praying, wondering, mothering.

Our house is dotted with various notes. Post-It and otherwise. There are signs of labor, preliminary and real. Ella's last minute packing list. Our last minute packing list. The price of various formulas on Amazon.com. And sometimes, there are even little love notes left on the thermos of coffee that Loran leaves me. Those are my favorite.

But the house keeps moving, even when if feels like time is standing still. This picture is for the friends who accuse me of having a perfect house. It's not. The dishes sit out and often are left on the stove top overnight. We have quite the established dust bunny ranch and you have to wade through toys just to get from one room to the other. It all gets taken care of eventually, but there are more pressing issues sometimes. Like Facebook.

There's hair that needs to be detangled, brushed and put up. Every day. Despite the tears that come with the job. It has to be done in order to avoid an even larger mess.

There are medications to be dispensed. Even when the recipient fights it. Yells, "DONE!" and tries to swat it from your hand. We press on in the name of health.

There are baby gadgets that have been taken over by the big sister. They make far better toy holders than baby holders at this point. Everything for the baby is really just a toy for Ella. Don't forget that, she won't let you.

But there are still surprises. Like a husband who brings home flowers after a long day away from home. A breath of the outside, all colorful and wonderful. Something that validates the toddler tears, tantrums, cleaning and incubating going on inside the house.

Waiting to see if she'll make it before the day of love. But no matter when Lily comes, there's a celebration to be had. Non-alcoholic, of course, the nurses frown on drinking the heavy stuff and breastfeeding in the hospital.

Invites are ready to go - we just need the "filler".

For some, life hasn't changed much. It's hard to notice that something big is gearing up when your day is peppered with naps and being chased from the room by a two year old in a a tutu, waving a wand, yelling "Abby!"

But sometimes, Ella slows down a bit to flex her newly found imagination. She plays with figurines, feeds baby dolls and takes them for walks in her stroller. She's started running through the house with her arms spread wide - maybe she's trying to fly, but it usually ends in a crash landing.

But sometimes, you just have to pause. Enjoy the chaos, the uncertainty and the rawness of everything. Because this is life and you shouldn't let it pass you by. Stop and cuddle the crazy toddler who makes you want to pull your hair out one minute and then makes you tear up with laughter the next. The dishes get done, the baby will eventually come out, and hopefully we'll continue to remember to feed the cat. Perhaps I should write that on a Post-It so we don't forget - I'm sure the cat would appreciate it.