Bottles All Around

Friday night, I cried. A lot. And what spurred these tears? I took off my bracelet. It wasn't fancy, it wasn't fashionable, but I'd been wearing since the day Lillian was born. It was my nursing bracelet. A handy reminder of what side she'd fed on and could even track when she'd last eaten. It was my lifesaver at 3 am. Truth be told, it kept me on track at almost nearly every feeding. Part of our nursing success could be owed to my bright red, rubber Milk Band bracelet. On Friday evening, I took it off. For good. I'd cut down our nursing sessions to early mornings, but Friday morning, while it was successful, it was getting old for both myself and Lily. She was frustrated and I got frustrated. Part of the problem is that she just doesn't stop moving. She needs to be able to see everything and everyone. She kicks and waves her arms and just wiggles. I kept the morning feeding because that was her most calm feeding. But even that was becoming a struggle as Lily became more social.

I never really enjoyed nursing tremendously. But, I did feel the satisfaction of watching those little scrawny newborn legs plump up and seeing Lily's cheeks fill out and know that I had done that. Just me! I did enjoy cuddling my little baby. But the reality of having it actually end hit me a little harder than I expected. I burst into tears taking off that bracelet. I had to wait a few days before packing away other nursing accessories. When I quit nursing Ella, it was a piece of cake. I didn't have a nursing relationship with Ella, I had a nursing relationship with my Medela pump. And while quite efficient, it was pretty easy to say goodbye to that. The pump didn't have a hand. It's that plump little hand that I'm going to miss.

Every feeding, no matter how wiggly Lillian was, she always took her hand and rested it high on my chest. It was within kissing reach. Sometimes, she held onto my shirt, but that little hand was a constant. It's warmth and soft touch. Even when the feet were kicking away and I was being head-butted, the little hand was there. I can't replicate the reaching hand with bottle feeding. Lily will hold my fingers, but it's not quite the same. I debated putting this photo up, but decided the bathing suits in the Target ad show more cleavage than this. And it's my blog. So there!


Since Friday, I'm on a no hug policy. It's highly painful, but getting better. The weekend was tearful and icepack filled, I've even been using the cabbage leaves. It doesn't smell the greatest, but it works! So, I'm almost free from the physical aspects of motherhood...except that pull at my heart, but I'm told that will never go away.

This is not how I left Lily when I tucked her in, but this is how I found her at 5:30 am!